If that was your dad, he is hot
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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