don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
