i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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