Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
