I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize