dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
