Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize