it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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