I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
