her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
