I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
