Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
