I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
