Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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