i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
