i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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