I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
