Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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