That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
