Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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