Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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