Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Someone came in the potted fern
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
