I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
