Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
