So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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