I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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