I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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