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if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
