Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize