im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
