I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I am midnight drunk by noon
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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