I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
