the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
