ADVERTISEMENT

• (612): View more from Minnesota

  On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.

  Fav 2 849 2016

  share tweet
  

• (256): View more from Alabama

  he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.

  Fav 31 1172 7387

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (775): View more from Nevada

  Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?

  Fav 20 1428 7915

  share tweet
  

• (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.

  Fav 7 4125 1559

  share tweet
  

• (757): View more from Virginia

  you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.

  Fav 11 2921 1018

  share tweet
  

• (719): View more from Colorado

  I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.

  Fav 8 1587 697

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (573): View more from Missouri

  Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals

  Fav 5 1028 646

  share tweet
  

• (716): View more from New York

  She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman

  Fav 5 1119 470

  share tweet
  

• (713): View more from Texas

  I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome

  Fav 7 1502 533

  share tweet
  

• (818): View more from California

  Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.

  (818): View more from California

  We won.

  (818): View more from California

  USA USA USA

  Fav 0 685 475

  share tweet
  

• (406): View more from Montana

  I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.

  Fav 1 32 20

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (559): View more from California

  Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?

  Fav 0 45 15

  share tweet
  

• (631): View more from New York

  I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃

  Fav 0 34 17

  share tweet
  

• (954): View more from Florida

  WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!

  Fav 0 92 13

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (514): View more from Quebec

  was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch

  Fav 0 15 41

  share tweet
  

Randomize