You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Vodka?
Forever.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
you made out with another girl for some wings
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
