Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
