Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Randomize
