Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
this will be a night to untag.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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