I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Is her dick bigger than yours?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
