she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
