so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
