There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
