Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
