I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
