The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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