I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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