I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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