my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
