Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize