it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
