i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
