You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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