birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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