Where are you?
In a non slutty way
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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