On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
