I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
