I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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