you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
