Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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