I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize