Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
