You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
